


Up a creek with only a Porg (oneshot)

by vala411



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:53:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23380510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vala411/pseuds/vala411
Summary: (Modern AU) There was a party, there was alcohol, and there was a giant Porg on her floor. Phasma groaned.
Kudos: 3





	Up a creek with only a Porg (oneshot)

**AN:**   
**Harry: “You cannot get a bouncy castle into this type of story,”**   
**Vala: “Hold my beer.”**

**Up the creek with only a Porg**

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” Phasma jolted out of her bed at the girlish scream, grabbed the nearest thing she could find as a weapon, which ended up being a Hula girl lamp she’d received as a gag gift and sprinted out of her room only to come face to face with her roommate, Hux, brandishing a frying pan and a knocked out giant Porg on the apartment floor.

“What is going on here?!” Phasma asked incredulously. She was still too hungover and half asleep for this nonsense. “Hux what the hell are you doing?!”

“Me?! It’s this thing that came at me!” The ginger exclaimed, not releasing the frying pan.

“That THING is Kylo,” Phasma sighed as she felt her migraine return. There was a low groan from the giant downed Porg and both looked towards it to see it wiggle slightly. “It’s much too early for this,” Phasma groaned before walking over to Kylo and grabbing his legs. She then looked at Hux “Well are you helping me or not? I had to drag his drunk ass back alone yesterday,”

Slowly Hux put down the frying pan on the kitchen island, casting a suspicious look at the downed Porg before grabbing the wings or flippers or whatever the hell they were called. The two of them managed to lift Kylo’s bulk and proceeded to place him on the couch again. It was then that Phasma noticed just which frying pan Hux had used. “Not my good cast iron pan!” She shouted in disbelief and dropped Kylo’s lower-half while Hux still had a grip on the upper-half, which sagged. The redhead grunted and proceeded to toss Kylo on the couch only for the costume, that the man was apparently in, to be too bulky, causing him to roll back onto the living room floor with a ‘thud’.

Phasma was obviously more concerned about the possible dent Hux had put into the frying pan than Kylo’s possible concussion. The overly large Porg costume gave Hux pause as he looked at Phasma before asking “Soooo…. How did this happen?” He poked the feathery belly with his shoe causing Kylo to kick him with an orange webbed-toe foot in what seemed to be a reflex. The man was still out like a light.

Hux walked up to Phasma who had taken a seat at the island counter. She really did look worse for wear this early in the morning and mumbled something along the lines of ‘stupid fig leaf’. He then heard her say “It’s a really long story but I need some of your special hangover medicine. You know, the one you made after we visited O’Malley’s pub.”

“That bad?” Hux asked with a raised brow.

“I woke up to your girlish scream, saw my friend knocked out, my frying pan has a dent and I feel like a heard of Rancors just stampeded through my head. Yes, it’s that bad!” Phasma grumbled. “If you want to know what the hell happened last night I’ll need it.”

“If I have to make it then you can’t watch,” Hux told her.

“I’m not going to steal your recipe!” Phasma muttered as her head hit the counter.

“Oh, I’m not worried about stealing. I’m worried I have to clean up your puke once you find out what goes in it.” Hux stated before shooing her away. “Go wash up or something. I’ll make one for Ren as well.”

“Leave him to his misery!” Phasma yelled as she made her way back to her room. “He deserves everything he gets after what he put me through! I can never look at a pair of Go-Go boots the same again!”

The giant Porg was still prone on the floor as Hux was busy getting several ingredients. There was yogurt, chocolate, tomatoes, cucumbers, peaches, broccoli, and a lemon on the counter. He wasn’t kidding when he said Phasma would puke if she saw what went in it. He himself had stopped drinking it once his mother had shown him the recipe. Hux popped open the blender and started adding the ingredients to it. When Phasma came back, this time with her hair a bit damp and a towel hung over her shoulder, she was given a cup of brown sludge. The blonde made a face but then proceeded to down the concoction in one gulp.

“Why are you even back yet?” Phasma asked as she put the empty cup on the counter and closed her eyes for a moment to get rid of the aftertaste.

“The conference ended early. There was no need to stay,” Hux stated as he wiped the countertop.

“You had a free day in Florida and you didn’t take it?!” Phasma looked at her roommate incredulously.

“I don’t know if you noticed Phas but I’m a ginger.” Hux gestured towards himself. “The sun agrees with me as much as a Killerwhale agrees with a sea lion.”

Phasma rolled her eyes as Hux dramatically continued “I’m like a peach! I bruise easily, I’d peel! I’d need SPF 40000 just to walk in the rays of Helios! If you don’t want a raisin for a roommate….”

“Alright Hux! I get the picture!” Phasma exclaimed. “Do you want to know what happened or are you going to spout poems next about ginger skin!”

Hux leaned forward slightly to hear the story. His roommate wasn’t drunk often but when she was interesting things happened around her. He glanced back at the still knocked out giant Porg…. He meant Ren….. Porg Ren? Kylo Porg?..... What was he even supposed to call this?

“So we were at Poe’s party last night,” Phasma tells which caused Hux to raise a brow. Poe’s parties were always the talk of the town though he had only gone once and once was enough for him. No amount of drunken foolishness could convince him to go back.

“Did he have the indoor ball pit again?” Hux asked. He was still a bit curious. That ball pit seemed to be the highlight for most parties.

“Nah,” Phasma grinned. “It was an indoor bouncy castle this time.”

_**“PHAS!!!” Kylo called as he sat on her couch. “You done yet?!”** _

_**“No!” Phasma shouted from her room. “I need to look good!”** _

_**“You always look fabulous!” Kylo, who was wearing all black, shouted back. “But the party started an hour ago! If you take this long to put on your face Rey will get bored and leave before we’re even there.”** _

_**There was some stumbling and cursing from the bedroom but Phasma emerged minutes later sporting a black strapless cocktail dress and a clutch purse. She twirled before Kylo who gave her a thumbs up. Kylo then smirked as he and Phasma were out the door soon. Using Rey always worked since his blond friend had a major crush.** _

_**They decided to take Phasma’s car, which was a Mini-Cooper because Kylo’s vehicle was in the shop. Kylo, however, wasn’t overly fond of the small car because he had little leg room though his friend swears that she could fit eight clowns in there. Kylo really wanted to prove her wrong but first, he would have to find eight clowns. The drive altogether took about fifteen minutes and Phasma parked not so far away from Poe’s place which was a studio apartment.** _

_**The music got louder as they got closer to the right floor. There was an arrow sign pointing to a door decorated with flashing lights that said ‘Get your Boogie on’. Kylo knocked on the door and it swung open. Now they could see the mass of bodies inside and……. Kylo raised his brows at the bouncy castle in the middle of the room. The last party it had been a disco floor. Before that, it was a ball pit, or was it a giant monopoly board. He couldn’t quite remember.** _

_**“Well…… points for originality,” Phasma heard Kylo mutter.** _

_**“Phas-baby! Kylo!” The host exclaimed as he moved through the throng of gyrating people with practiced ease. Now it was Phasma’s turn to raise her brows at Poe’s colorful wardrobe choice. He wore a bright orange shirt, white khakis, and had donned a pink feathery boa around his neck all while holding his poodle, BeeBee. “You came!”** _

_**“Uhm… yes….” Kylo said as he blinked at the man’s enthusiasm. Poe looked around for a moment and then asked: “So where’s Hugs?”** _

_**“Conference,” Phasma said, long used to Poe butchering her roommate’s name, while looking around for a particular set of buns.** _

_**“Shame,” Poe said. “I was hoping he would enjoy the bouncy castle this time as much as the ball pit.”** _

“OH MY GOD!” Hux exclaimed looking askance and stopping Phasma mid-story. “I did not enjoy the ball pit! Poe and his…. His roommate chucked me into it!”

“Well you have to admit…… it looked like you were having fun. You were kind of like an orange floundering fish in there.” Phasma barked a laugh causing Hux to sputter.

“I was trying to get my bearings! Do you know how hard it is to try and stand up in one of those confounded things!” Hux exclaims while catching onto Phasma’s amusement. “Fineeeee, what happened next?”

“I scored,” Phasma grinned. “I got Rey’s number,”

“I’m happy for you but I meant what happened to Kylo?” Hux asked but Phasma shrugged. “Beats me. I was busy scoring when my phone vibrated. Kylo was calling and by then he was already naked.”

“NAKED?!” Hux exclaimed and then looked at the giant Porg costume that was now prone on the floor and snoring.

“Yup,” Phasma was enjoying her retelling of it and gestured with her hand towards Kylo. “The costume thing came later.”

_**Phasma grumbled as she had to answer her phone. She sadly bid her goodbyes to Rey after and set out from the balcony to find her errant friend. Usually, Kylo would be easy to spot since he towered over most people but she didn’t see him between or around the throng of dancing bodies. She then ventured into the kitchen area which was a lot quieter. There were bottles strewn about and people were just chilling there. It was then that she heard a “Psssttt”. Turning she saw Kylo’s head pop out from behind the kitchen door.** _

_**“What are you….. How did you….. What happened?!” Phasma sputtered because Kylo was naked, even his underwear was gone and he was using a bunch of plastic fig leaves to cover himself while hiding behind the kitchen door where no one could see him. The fig leaves didn’t really hide anything but Phasma said not a word for modesty’s sake. She just looked like she needed a strong drink so she grabbed the nearest bottle on the alcohol table, which was a Jack Daniels and chugged more than a quarter immediately. She was too sober for whatever this was.** _

“A quarter Jack Daniels?” Hux asked as he looked at Phasma’s somewhat red eyes.

“A quarter bottle then. The whole bottle as the night went on,” she admitted.

_**The droning of the music in the other room didn’t stop Phasma from hissing “What the kriff did you do?!** _

_**“Uhm…..” Kylo looked a bit sheepish then as he mumbled “Strippoker,”** _

_**“Kylo you suck at poker!” Phasma reminded him. Frankly, Kylo didn’t do all too well with any card games even though his father was a cardsharp.** _

_**“I couldn’t help it! Finn challenged me!” Kylo replied and Phasma facepalmed. Of course, Finn would have a hand in this. Those two got along like a penguin loved the Amazon. Finn was also Poe’s roommate and so she concluded that he must have hidden Kylo’s clothes as to get back at him for the last party where Kylo managed to duct tape Finn to the wall. Phasma took another swig of the bottle before deciding what to do.** _

“So…..” Hux said.

“So…..” Phasma answered. “We went closet raiding. Well not before giving Kylo two trays to cover himself with. The plastic fig leaves were not helping,”

Hux, of course, said nothing this time, merely raising his brows at the gleeful image of a naked Ren rushing between drunk partygoers with only two trays covering him. Now he wished he had come to this party.

Phasma went on to tell Hux on how they had sneaked into Finn’s room where he could have possibly hidden Kylo’s clothes. She was ‘carefully’ raiding the closets and then came upon a set of white Go-Go boots. She did not need to know what Finn used those boots for.

_**Phasma, by then, was already at half a bottle and Kylo had also been drinking. His vodka was going down faster and his cheeks were slightly pink when he said “Phas I don’t think my clothes are here,”** _

_**“Where else would Finn hide them? Everywhere else is overrun with drunk people.” Phasma asked.** _

_**“Maybe in Poe’s room?” Kylo suggested while letting his tipsiness show a bit as he leaned against the door. His bulk effectively stopping anyone else from pushing the door open.** _

_**“We’ll check there after we get you some clothes.” Phasma decided and then looked around. Finn’s clothes wouldn’t work since Kylo was too tall and muscular. It was then that she spotted the costume, tucked away in a box. She had forgotten that Finn had been a High School mascot and got to keep the costume after graduation. The thing looked quite feathery as she pulled it out and contemplated.** _

“Ah, so that’s where the giant Porg came from,” Hux nodded now finally understanding. “So what happened afterwards?”

“I lost Kylo,” Phasma admits.

“What?!” You could see the confusion on his face as he stared at Phasma. “How do you lose a giant dressed as a fat Porg in the middle of a party?!”

“Apparently it can happen,” Phasma sighed. “When we got out of Finn’s room there were a lot of people in the hallway. I think some must have carted Kylo off.

“So he got Porgnapped?” Hux actually snorted as Phasma shot him a glare.

“I ended up chugging the rest of the bottle I had with me before setting out to search for him. One needs to be drunk enough to grab giant Porgs who appear to be equally drunk. But I didn’t see him anywhere on the dance floor. Then I looked into the bouncy castle.”

At that point, Hux actually started guffawing causing his head to hit the counter. The image alone Phasma was painting. He could already imagine her having to climb into the thing to get a drunk, Porg Ren out. Maybe she lifted him, maybe she rolled him once he stopped bouncing around with the other guests but the image it painted, either way, was quite hilarious. Phasma swatted Hux on the back of his head before she continued with her story.

“You probably already imagined that it was difficult to get Kylo out of that thing. The partygoers had chucked him in and then proceeded to bounce around him. When I finally got him out both of us seemed to have had enough of the party.” She admitted. “But now we had a problem. I was drunk, he was drunk and nearly knocked out, and there was no way I was driving.”

“Taxi,” Hux asked but it was more of a statement.

“Taxi,” Phasma nodded. “We’d managed to get down to street level and I flagged one down. Oh, what a pair we made. A woman in a cocktail dress with a large feathery dazed Porg next to me.” Phasma groaned. “When I finally got us a cab there was another problem,”

“Oh?” Came Hux’s reply.

“Kylo didn’t exactly fit into the back seat now. I was basically up a creek with only a Porg,” Phasma grumbled as she butchered the saying. “I had to push him in and getting out at our place was another nightmare. I swear the driver thought we were weirdoes.”

“So you got him in here and shoved him on the couch?” Hux guessed.

“Did you want me to shove him in your room?” Phasma smirked at the glare she received. She also could now guess what had happened. Hux had come home early in the morning, not seen the giant ball of feathers on the couch and was probably rummaging through the fridge when Kylo must have gotten up and scared the crap out of him.

“So what now?” Hux asked.

“Now…… I order us some food and we’ll wait for Mr. Porg to wake up.” Phasma chuckled.

Kylo woke up about 20 minutes later and tried to get up. It looked more like a waddle and then he turned to stare at Hux who was seated on a stool along with Phasma.

“You hit me,” Kylo accused but it came out more like a whine as the costume muffled his voice.

“And you gave me several gray hairs. We’re even,” Hux retorted and then asked “Can you get out of that thing now? It’s weird talking to you in that.”

“Right….. Uhm…” Kylo’s gestured the wings around, looking for a way to get it off when Phasma remarked that there was a zipper at the back. She stood up to open it. But when Phasma tugged the zipper her eyebrows shot up.

“Uhm…….. We might have a bit of a problem here,” Phasma told Kylo and then held in her hand the broken off zipper.

“WAIT, SO I’M STUCK LIKE THIS?!?!” Kylo exclaimed as he flapped the wings about like a true Porg. Hux just sighed and reached below the counter to take out a bottle of wine. This was going to be a long day as he watched Phasma try and wrestle the costume off of Kylo.

**THE END**


End file.
